Day
173 of the apocalypse
“Kevin, pick up that steel. We can use it to make weapons.” Kevin picks up the steel that was under some leaves. Then they head off, until they make it to a farm. They search for food and they find carrots and a lot of seeds.
Rick says,
“It’s getting dark. We should head back
to sanctuary.”
“Good idea!” Replied
Kevin. So as fast as possible they throw
the seeds in their bag, then head back to sanctuary. Kevin shouted, “Dad, (Rick) watch out!” It was
too late. Kevin was very tearful when he told the people
at sanctuary his dad died. All he has to
remember his dad is a mauve
compass.
your first paragraph should look like this:
ReplyDelete"Kevin, pick up that steel. We can use it to make weapons," Rick told Kevin. Kevin picks the steel up from under some leaves and then they run until they make it to a farm. They search for food and they find carrots and seeds.
You have a lot of short sentences in your paragraphs.
Last paragraph should look something like this:
ReplyDelete"Good idea!" replied Kevin. So as fast as possible, they throw the seeds into their bags and then they head to the sanctuary.
"Dad! (Rick) Watch out!" Kevin shouted but it was too late. Kevin was very tearful when he told the people at the sanctuary that Rick died. All he has as a remnant from his dad was a mauve compass.
nice story but in your fourth sentence I think there should not be a comma in front of the word /off/
ReplyDeleteThanks
ReplyDelete