Year 1899
“Run Jimmy, run!” shouted Lory. The tsunami was sure going to hit. In about 2 minutes all the boats and houses
would be ruined. This is going to be the
strongest and fastest tsunami ever.
Everyone was screaming, crying and running, or biking away from the tsunami. Everyone trying to get as far as possible. Jimmy and Lory ran to a bike and left. Each second they used and needed, each breath
they took well panting fearless. Tired, no water, they can not stop, they have to
pedal. But as Lory turned around she saw the tsunami face to face. The tsunami moved all the boats and houses
around to different spots, and surprisingly all the right way up.
When you were listing what the people were doing, it should be like this: Everyone was screaming, crying, running and biking away from the tsunami. Also, you spelled pedal as petal.
ReplyDeleteyour eight sentence should be like this: They needed every second that had.
Okay thanks
ReplyDeleteYou forgot the the other comma in your first sentence, “Run Jimmy, run!” So it should be, “Run, Jimmy, run!”
ReplyDeleteIn this sentence, This is going to be the strongest and fastest tsunami every. I think you meant 'tsunami ever'. Everyone trying to get as far as possible. Maybe fix this sentence, Everyone trying to get as far as possible. So it reads, Trying to get as far away as possible.
Also you can't use contractions, words like can't, won't, wouldn't.
Thanks
DeleteNice story but you neeeded a coma in the first sentence. Do it should say: "Run, Jimmie, run." And also in the sentence where you say no water, n so on, you should have "no water. They can not stop. They had to keep petaling.
ReplyDelete